Nostalgia is an assault on my emotions. What should be a sweet, treasured memory, is instead a painful recollection, and realization that my moments of bliss are slowly dissipating from my mind, and this nativity and innocence is no longer here. I'm unsure if it ever was, nobody who should have loved me, did. My adulthood is picking up the pieces my family dropped and trying to put them together as if they were the building blocks I played with at school age. My memory is full, and I'm unsure why. I can't remember the things I want to remember. Instead I dream about them in staggered broken fragments. When I awaken, I attempt to put them in order but I'm left with a bitter taste in my mouth and the memory of a troubled emotion. I sometimes feel as if my 8 year old self is still in me and he desperately wants to escape. He wants me to fix him so he can move on. Sometimes I feel like I'll never hear that version of me. I'll always be on guard. I'll always be wary of others. Hypervigilant. Sometimes I feel I am not able to make anyone happy. After all, I can't even make myself happy. How could I possibly bring joy into the life of another? It's okay if nobody loves me because that means I can take my life without the guilt prior to pulling the trigger. I'm sorry if anyone loves me. I wish I could be happy. I wish I could change. I wish I could rid myself of illness. Toxicity. Something about it feels hopelessly difficult. Every time I start to feel happy again, it is ripped away from me. My chest feels so heavy all the time. I just want to be okay. Why is that so much to ask for? ... The monochrome bullet wound Leaking color from my skull Why is everything trapped inside? Like a forever-chrysalism My eyes bleed They bleed color To match my wounds Bleeding out in an eternal ash Where do my eyes wander as I go? Where does my spirit go in silence? What would my mother say? What would my father do? I guess it doesn't matter Monochrome is my eternity.

I can't seem to shake you off my mind And every passing thought I seem to fantasize Of drowning in your eyes I miss you And your perfect blue And when I think of you I can't help but feel something new And it eats me alive All the people in my life Say an addict deserves to die But who am I? Where you when I was clinging for my life? And now doing something without thinking about how I needed help -- --Someone else To tell me that fine And I'll make it out alive I'm not fine So hold me, hold my hand Make me feel alive Make me smile again And please don't let me die Love me, hold my hand Just make me feel alive Make me smile Make me feel Alive Hold my hand, make me feel alive again...

I'm not God And I'm not perfect I'm not someone you should look up to I can't be a dad I can't be who I want to be, and it makes me so fucking sad. I am not good enough And I'm not proud. I'm tired of being the one to let my fucking guard down I'm not good enough And I'm proud I'm sorry that I let my fucking guard down. And you wanted me to cry... I just wanted to fucking die. I want to feel, want to feel, want to feel good again I want to feel, want to feel, want to feel alive again I want to feel, want to feel, want to feel good again I want to feel, want to feel, want to feel anything but dead again Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!

Why am I so unwanted? What am I so unloved and Why do I love differently than other people do? Why do I feel so lonely? Why do I look so broken? Is it from the lack of touch in my hands? Do you love me the same way that I love you? Is it truly something that I can cling onto? And can I love you with all my soul? So tell me please; Is that potential being reached? I've been working so hard for you. Do you mean it when you tell me "I love you"? Because you are everything I ever wanted, you are Heaven.

[Instrumental]

I'm taking back what you stole from me. I won't cry, even after what you did to me. I asked you why, tell me why? You hurt me. I was good to you. I won't die, there is nothing you can do to me now. Goodbye. ... I spent my whole life in love. I spent all my time alone. I could die without you by side (and be just fine) I can't forget the way you hurt me So I say goodbye, no regrets saying goodbye.